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Going home for the holidays? How to navigate conflict and deal with difficult people

<p><em><a href="https://theconversation.com/profiles/jessica-robles-617248">Jessica Robles</a>, <a href="https://theconversation.com/institutions/loughborough-university-1336">Loughborough University</a></em></p> <p>The holiday season is upon us and for many that means all the tension that comes with it. This time of year can be a minefield of uncomfortable moments, disagreement and outright conflict. It’s no wonder <a href="https://fortune.com/well/2022/12/03/home-for-holidays-family-gatherings-mental-health/">many young people</a> are apprehensive about returning home for the holidays after living far away.</p> <p>There are many reasons interpersonal difficulties can arise over the holidays. Perhaps your aunt doesn’t like what you did with her pie recipe, or your friend’s new partner has unsettling political beliefs. Maybe you haven’t lived at home in a while, but your family still talks to you like you’re the same person you were in school. Maybe you’re bringing your partner to meet your family for the first time, and aren’t sure whether everyone will get along.</p> <p>People have socialised less with friends and family <a href="https://triple-c.at/index.php/tripleC/article/view/1167">since the pandemic</a>, and may be feeling out of practice. This can be compounded by all the things people can disagree about.</p> <p>Some topics are higher risk for blowups, and best <a href="https://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/book/10.1002/9781444354119#page=122">avoided</a> in such settings (religion and politics, for starters). Whether it’s <a href="https://link.springer.com/article/10.1007/s11109-018-9476-2">true or not</a>, there’s a popular perception that tricky subjects are more numerous and divisive than ever. Dare one bring up anything adjacent to Brexit, vaccinations or the cost of living? Even bringing your mobile phone to the dining table could get you in trouble.</p> <p>So what happens if your uncle has too much mulled wine and something slips out that annoys or even horrifies you? Family arguments are a common theme in holiday films, but their scripted resolutions are rarely realistic and not based on <a href="https://repository.lboro.ac.uk/articles/book/Talk_the_science_of_conversation/9476291">empirical research</a>. By considering how these things work in the context of real interactions, we can move from what sounds good in theory to what we can put into practice.</p> <h2>Think before you speak</h2> <p>In real-world situations, <a href="http://pstorage-loughborough-53465.s3.amazonaws.com/21189843/Thesis2019Joyce.pdf">interactions can escalate</a> before you’re even fully aware that they’re happening. You might be able to anticipate why and how an interaction might become a problem. Does alcohol generally lead to arguments in your family? Are your parents usually hypercritical of your new partners? Consider how to avoid problems before they start.</p> <figure>In the moment, you can often spot “clues” that something is about to go awry. Trouble doesn’t usually emerge solely because of one person, but through <a href="https://www.taylorfrancis.com/chapters/edit/10.4324/9780429058011-13/conflict-interaction-phillip-glenn">the back-and-forth between people</a>. Assuming too much about who might be “the difficult one” and why won’t be helpful on its own.</figure> <p>You have to learn to recognise the conversational moves people are making (including your own) and see how <a href="https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/B9780126235500500082">other people respond to them</a>. Some facial expressions can express doubt or distrust, and contemptuous expressions (such as <a href="https://www.tandfonline.com/doi/full/10.1080/08351813.2021.1936858">eye-rolling</a>) can signal that a conversation might take a turn toward insult rather than discussion. A response that starts with the word <a href="https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S0378216615002465?casa_token=gyu3pjfpGrEAAAAA:VwEe8rVBXvsbF9V_aeYylN42IpKYeZ1BGqp85VoP_rkBQZtEI5AbuqBloiPxgTKfsJjj5VTSvcY">“well”</a> can be warning of incoming disagreement.</p> <p>As you notice what ways of speaking get what kinds of responses, you can be more thoughtful about what you choose to say. Even <a href="https://link.springer.com/chapter/10.1007/978-3-319-99094-1_2">changing a single word</a> can shift the direction of a conversation. A common sign that a conversation is starting to escalate unhelpfully is that people begin <a href="https://www.tandfonline.com/doi/full/10.1080/08351813.2020.1826765?casa_token=AIU2DQgEJQUAAAAA%3AGoBBF8SPSXcDmiKBAwaIihjFngE1ck8QiVj0HFZO7VGxi8TtkOf7PB0j5NMV9ufgMN4BwF-dMFA1Gw">commenting on the conversation itself and accusing</a> one another of unreasonable behaviour. Once you learn to be more conscious of that, it can help you reflect on how to respond in ways that might deescalate… if that’s what you want to do.</p> <h2>Why we fight</h2> <p>There is a dilemma here: sometimes backing down from a conflict challenges our values of authenticity and commitment to our beliefs. If someone says something insulting, whether mild or <a href="https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S0378216622002120">egregious</a>, it feels disingenuous and morally irresponsible to smooth things over. Some conflict is worth engaging, especially with someone you care about who is willing to listen and think about things. The complication is, that’s not always the case.</p> <p>Often when people argue about something they care about, they end up <a href="https://ttu-ir.tdl.org/handle/2346/16661">misaligned</a> or “talking at cross purposes”, where they’re not really even discussing the same thing anymore. Every conversation has a trajectory, but it’s entirely possible for a conversation to have <a href="https://www.jstor.org/stable/2786745#metadata_info_tab_contents">parallel or divergent trajectories</a>. In such cases, it’s unlikely that any amount of <a href="https://www.tandfonline.com/doi/pdf/10.1080/08351813.2019.1631044">good-faith discussion</a> is actually going to be <a href="https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S0378216618304302?casa_token=y7CoCCptr6AAAAAA:LCHuB6-BRaH4HPIothLVX_ENhSPlfshapdyvxzk9LjlQa24WJyRM4sXF2_bFp6oiWAfWnsVIoK8">productive</a>.</p> <p>At the end of the day, it’s also worth considering what makes a person or conversation “difficult”. Assigning that word to someone <a href="https://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/abs/10.1111/j.1468-2885.2001.tb00234.x?casa_token=g5XfR-FKNLEAAAAA:GFvy6M4CY9IHrE51_NTEJDNgf6bdPqJZPX2Q2KZStBesgv8UIJDj7YTBnVMOSpRCDRWbX-DsmkQFaWQ">is not a neutral or objective</a> statement. Maybe you, in fact, are the “difficult person”. Maybe, for some kinds of conflict, you should want to be difficult. And maybe, sometimes, it’s alright to go outside and let off steam with a snowball fight.<img style="border: none !important; box-shadow: none !important; margin: 0 !important; max-height: 1px !important; max-width: 1px !important; min-height: 1px !important; min-width: 1px !important; opacity: 0 !important; outline: none !important; padding: 0 !important;" src="https://counter.theconversation.com/content/196751/count.gif?distributor=republish-lightbox-basic" alt="The Conversation" width="1" height="1" /></p> <p><em><a href="https://theconversation.com/profiles/jessica-robles-617248">Jessica Robles</a>, Lecturer in Social Psychology, <a href="https://theconversation.com/institutions/loughborough-university-1336">Loughborough University</a></em></p> <p><em>Image credits: Getty Images</em></p> <p><em>This article is republished from <a href="https://theconversation.com">The Conversation</a> under a Creative Commons license. Read the <a href="https://theconversation.com/going-home-for-the-holidays-how-to-navigate-conflict-and-deal-with-difficult-people-196751">original article</a>.</em></p>

Family & Pets

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6 tips to keep the peace on holidays with a friend

<p>Even the best of friends can come to blow when they’re on the road. Avoid conflict with your travel buddy by following these tips.</p> <p><strong>1. Plan ahead</strong></p> <p>Before you set foot on that plane, you need to make absolutely sure that you are both having the holiday you want. If one person loves to spend their days hiking through the forest, they won’t appreciate being made to lie on the beach all day. Or vice versa. There’s always going to be an element of compromise, so plan a trip that appeals to both of you. Otherwise you’ll spend the whole time at loggerheads.</p> <p><strong>2. Agree on a budget</strong></p> <p>Money always causes trouble and that can be amplified when you’re on the road. Even if you are keeping your finances separate while travelling, it’s important to agree on a general budget. One person might be happy to splash out on fancy restaurants every night while the other prefers to fill up on budget street food. You’ll need to find a happy medium that suits both of your wallets and it’s easier to do it before you depart, rather than starting a fight when you’re both hungry.</p> <p><strong>3. Pack separate bags</strong></p> <p>You’ll thank us in the end. It might sound like a great idea to minimise the load and just take one bag, but everyone needs a bit of their own space. Having your own bag means there’s no conflict over who has packed too much or who is a messy folder, plus you both get lots of space for souvenirs. It also prevents one person from getting stuck carrying the load every time.</p> <p><strong>4. Be flexible</strong></p> <p>It’s always handy to have a schedule, but you don’t have to stick to it like you’re on a military expedition. Choices will have to made at numerous points in your trip, so discuss them with your buddy and be prepared to be flexible. You can’t both have things exactly your own way the whole time, so it’s easier to be open to alternative options rather than digging in.</p> <p><strong>5. Spend some time apart</strong></p> <p>Travelling together doesn’t mean you have to spend every waking minute together. Time apart is healthy and gives each person the chance to do things they want to do. One of you can go to the museums, the other can hit the shops, and you can swap stories over dinner.</p> <p><strong>6. Let it go</strong></p> <p>It’s a holiday, so have some fun. Try not to pick silly fights and, if you do end up in one, don’t hang on to it. If things go wrong it’s easier in the long run to laugh about it than apportion blame. No one’s here to keep score. And if you feel things getting a little tense, talk about it before it goes too far.</p> <p><em>Image credit: Shutterstock</em></p>

Travel Tips

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7 research-based resolutions that will help strengthen your relationship in the year ahead

<p>The new year is going to be better. It has to be better. Maybe you’re one of the <a href="https://www.finder.com/new-years-resolution-statistics" target="_blank" rel="noopener">74% of Americans</a> in one survey who said they planned on hitting the reset button on Jan. 1 and resolving to improve. Those <a href="http://maristpoll.marist.edu/marist-poll-national-results-analysis-4/" target="_blank" rel="noopener">New Year’s resolutions most commonly focus on</a> eating healthier, exercising, losing weight and being a better person.</p> <p>Admirable goals, to be sure. But focusing on body and mind neglects something equally important: your romantic relationship. Couples with <a href="https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1741-3737.2007.00393.x" target="_blank" rel="noopener">better marriages report higher well-being</a>, and one study found that having a better romantic relationship not only promoted well-being and better health now but that <a href="https://doi.org/10.1080/08952841.2020.1838238" target="_blank" rel="noopener">those benefits extend into the future</a>.</p> <p>The lesson is clear: Your relationship is important. Resolve to get it right.</p> <p>That doesn’t mean you have to be perfect. But here are seven resolutions based on recent psychological research that you can make this New Year to help keep your relationship going strong.</p> <h2>1. Set yourself up for success</h2> <p>Adjust your mindset so you see your relationship as a key <a href="https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1467-6494.2005.00373.x" target="_blank" rel="noopener">source of positive experiences</a>. <a href="https://scholar.google.com/citations?user=v2ai_5wAAAAJ&amp;hl=en&amp;oi=ao" target="_blank" rel="noopener">Psychologists like me</a> call this boosting your social approach motivation. Instead of merely trying to avoid relationship problems, those with an approach motivation seek out the positives and <a href="http://peplab.web.unc.edu/files/2020/11/Don-Fredrickson-Algoe-JPSP-In-press-Approach-Paper-In-Press-.pdf" target="_blank" rel="noopener">use them to help the relationship</a>.</p> <p>Here’s how: Imagine a conversation with your partner. Having more of an approach motivation allows you to focus on positive feelings as you talk and to see your partner as more responsive to you. Your partner gets a burst of positivity, too, and in return sees you as more responsive. One partner’s good vibes spill over to the other partner, ultimately benefiting both. After a year when your relationship may have felt unprecedented external strains, laying the foundation to take advantage of any positives is good place to start.</p> <h2>2. Be optimistic</h2> <p>While things in the past may not have always gone how you wanted, it’s important to be optimistic about the future. But the right kind of optimism matters. A <a href="https://doi.org/10.1111/pere.12342" target="_blank" rel="noopener">2020 research study</a> from <a href="https://cns.utexas.edu/directory/item/84-human-dev-family-sci/3008-farnish-krystan?Itemid=349" target="_blank" rel="noopener">Krystan Farnish</a> and <a href="https://cns.utexas.edu/directory/item/14-human-ecology/259-neff-lisa-a?Itemid=349" target="_blank" rel="noopener">Lisa Neff</a> found that generally looking on the bright side of life allowed participants to deal with relationship conflict more effectively – as they put it, better able to “shake it off” – than did those who were optimistic specifically about their relationship.</p> <p>It seems that if people focus all their rosy expectations just on their relationship, it encourages them to anticipate few negative experiences with their partner. Since that’s unrealistic even in the best relationships, it sets them up for disappointment.</p> <h2>3. Increase your psychological flexibility</h2> <p><a href="https://doi.org/10.1016/j.brat.2005.06.006" target="_blank" rel="noopener">Try to go with the flow</a>. In other words, work on accepting your feelings without being defensive. It’s OK to adjust your behaviors – you don’t always have to do things the way you always have or go the places you’ve always gone. Stop being stubborn and experiment with being flexible.</p> <p>A 2020 study by <a href="https://www.researchgate.net/profile/Karen_Twiselton" target="_blank" rel="noopener">Karen Twiselton</a> and colleagues found that <a href="https://doi.org/10.1111/pere.12344" target="_blank" rel="noopener">when you’re more flexible psychologically</a>, relationship quality is higher, in part because you experience more positive and fewer negative emotions. For example, navigating the yearly challenge of holidays and family traditions is a relationship minefield. However, if both partners back away from a “must do” mentality in favor of a more adaptable approach, relationship harmony will be greater.</p> <h2>4. It’s OK to put ‘me’ before ‘we’</h2> <p>It’s easy for some people to play the self-sacrificing martyr in their romantic relationship. If this sounds like you, try to focus more on yourself. It doesn’t make you a bad person or a bad partner. When you’re psychologically healthy, your partner and your relationship also benefit.</p> <p>Researchers have identified <a href="https://doi.org/10.1037/pspp0000231" target="_blank" rel="noopener">four main traits that are part of good mental health</a>: openness to feelings, warmth, positive emotions and straightforwardness. These traits help with being more clear about who you are, feeling better about who you are, expressing greater optimism and less aggression, exploiting others less and exhibiting less antisocial behavior. You can see how what’s good for you in this case would be good for your partner too.</p> <h2>5. Do something for your partner</h2> <p>But it’s not all about you. Putting your partner first some of the time and catering to your partner’s desires is part of being a couple. A 2020 study by <a href="https://carleton.ca/psychology/people/johanna-peetz/" target="_blank" rel="noopener">Johanna Peetz</a> and colleagues found that <a href="https://doi.org/10.1111/pere.12357" target="_blank" rel="noopener">prioritizing your partner</a> makes you feel closer to them, increases positive feelings, reduces negative ones and boosts perceived relationship quality.</p> <p>In the new year, look for ways to give your partner some wins. Let them get their way from time to time and support them in what they want to do, without exclusively prioritizing your own wants and needs.</p> <h2>6. Don’t be so hard on yourself</h2> <p>So many New Year’s resolutions focus on body image. Aspirations to eat better and work out often stem from the same goal: a hotter body. Yet, research from <a href="https://www.researchgate.net/profile/Xue_Lei8" target="_blank" rel="noopener">Xue Lei</a> shows that you may not really know what your partner wants you to look like.</p> <p><a href="https://doi.org/10.1111/bjop.12451" target="_blank" rel="noopener">Women tend to overestimate how thin</a> male partners want them to be. Similarly, men believe that female partners want them to be more muscular than women say they do. It may seem harmless, but in both cases individuals are more critical and demanding toward themselves, in part based on misreading what a partner truly desires.</p> <h2>7. Stay in touch</h2> <p>I saved the easiest item on the list for last: Touch your partner more. When <a href="https://www.researchgate.net/profile/Cheryl_Carmichael" target="_blank" rel="noopener">Cheryl Carmichael</a> and colleagues followed 115 participants over a 10-day period, <a href="https://doi.org/10.1177/1948550620929164" target="_blank" rel="noopener">they found that initiating and receiving touch</a> – things like holding hands, cuddling, kissing – were associated with both a boost in closeness and relationship quality. Importantly, being touched by your partner has the added benefit of making you feel more understood and validated. Who couldn’t use more of that in the coming year?</p> <p><strong>This article originally appeared on <a href="https://theconversation.com/7-research-based-resolutions-that-will-help-strengthen-your-relationship-in-the-year-ahead-152349" target="_blank" rel="noopener">The Conversation</a>.</strong></p> <p><em>Image: Shutterstock</em></p>

Relationships

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How to deal with losing touch with grandkids

<p>Losing contact with your grandchild, or perhaps more accurately getting cut off from them, is perhaps the worst thing that can happen to grandparents but unfortunately, it happens and it’s on the rise. Each situation leading up to an estrangement is different but it commonly occurs after the marital breakdown of parents. The family conflict ripples out and grandparents are unfairly, but often collateral damage. The emotional toll it takes can be immense and heart-breaking but what can be done?</p> <p><strong>Repair relationships</strong></p> <p>Family conflict occurs and is exacerbated by poor communication. The best way to begin amends is to build bridges. Even if you’ve been unfairly hurt, remember this person is still your grandchild’s parent. It can be difficult but you need to respect that.  </p> <p><span style="text-decoration: underline;">Apologise</span> – Be sincere. No caveats or justifications. You might not have done anything wrong or you might not even know what you did wrong to cause this rift but this is not a time for egos or personal pride. Remember this is the father or mother of your grandchild and they are the parents. They may have made mistakes but they are still the parents. Make peace for the sake of making peace and to mend the relationship, because if you want to see grandchildren, you will need a relationship with both parents.</p> <p><span style="text-decoration: underline;">Make it about the child</span> – Parents going through a separation or divorce are often wrapped in their own conflicts. Yet parents will hopefully do what is best for their child. It might be self-evident that grandparents are good for children but this might not be obvious to parents who have been through emotional turmoil, bitterness and separation. Approach in a sensitive, non-accusatory and non-judgemental way and explain the importance and usefulness of grandparents to children. Remind them the positive role you have taken in the past and that grandparents are not only a source of comfort to children in difficult times but can be the rock of stability in these trying times. You can offer practical help like picking up from school as well as reminding that keeping in touch will help children’s sense of family identity and history.</p> <p><span style="text-decoration: underline;">Talk it out</span> – Sometimes your children (and in-laws) simply have no idea that their parents are feeling so devastated and grief-stricken. They might not have considered the effects of their behaviour on others or presumed you would take your child’s side. Reassure them that you don’t want to take sides, just that you want what is best for your grandchild.</p> <p><strong>Seek legal help</strong></p> <p>This should be the last option because starting legal action will almost always end any hope of repairing the relationship between parents and grandparents. Even so, there is no guarantee that going through the courts will provide a happy outcome. Within our current legal system, grandparents do not have an automatic right to have a relationship with a grandchild. </p> <p>According to Legal Aid NSW, anyone who has an ongoing relationship with the child, or any other person who can show that they are concerned with the care, welfare or development of a child (including grandparents) may apply to the Court for Parenting Orders. A Parenting Order can be an order that you can spend time with or communicate with the child. It will be up to the Court to decide what will happen, based on what is in the child’s best interests.</p> <p><em>Image: Getty</em></p>

Family & Pets

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6 tips to negotiate your way to what you want

<p>Whether you’re haggling at the markets, dealing with a sales person or trying to buy a car, we negotiate all the time in our lives. Knowing how to get what you want is one of those skills worth learning so here are six ways to help your next negotiation go your way.</p> <p><strong>1. Do your homework</strong></p> <p>Learn as much as you can before your negotiation. When you have information it gives you a stronger chance in a negotiation as well as knowing how to deal with any objections. Even in the case of wanting to return some clothes or shoes to a store, a sales person might refuse you but if you have researched the policy beforehand you would know you’re not being treated fairly.</p> <p><strong>2. Listen more than you talk</strong></p> <p>It might seem like you should talk more as you need to convince the other side of what you need but in fact, you’ll make more ground if you listen. You will not only be able to learn more about what the other person needs or wants but most importantly it builds trust - the other party now feels respected and understood. It will lead you both to want to find a mutually satisfying agreement.</p> <p><strong>3. Look for shared interests</strong></p> <p>You want to establish a rapport with the person so look for things you have a shared interest in. When you find common ground with someone it builds familiarity and a trust that will help you in a negotiation. If you’ve ever haggled at the markets you’ll know striking up a friendly conversation with the seller might persuade them to be a tad more generous in their pricing.</p> <p><strong>4. Address objections</strong></p> <p>We’ve all been stopped at the shopping centres with people trying to sell us creams or raffles. When you try and walk away they are just too persuasive. Why? They address any objection you have and respond with empathy and understanding. It will just take a “quick minute” or “it’s very cheap” so you feel obliged to stick around. If they use it in sales, you can use it in your negotiations.</p> <p><strong>5. Seek a win-win outcome</strong></p> <p>Don’t just focus on what you want and need. It’s a negotiation so the other party needs to leave with their interests met as well. If you’re thinking “win-win” you’ll already be considering the other person so most outcomes will be beneficial to both. It doesn’t mean “giving in” but simply finding that solution where both sides can walk away satisfied. For example if you’re selling anything, you might offer a discount if someone purchases multiple item rather than just one. In this situation, you sell more items and the other side gets a reduced price.</p> <p><strong>6. Aim high</strong></p> <p>Don’t be afraid to ask for what you want. You don’t get what you don’t ask. And if you don’t get it, you’ll be closer. Just say you’re buying some classic furniture, you would start well below your rock bottom because you know the seller is going to aim high.</p>

Mind

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Catholic conflicts on marriage continue, even decades after Vatican II

<p>The past 60 years have been a period of change and reflection for many in the Catholic Church, initiated by the Second Vatican Council in the 1960s and continued by the current synod on synodality.</p> <p>In the autumn of 2021, Pope Francis <a href="https://www.usccb.org/synod" target="_blank" rel="noopener">announced a new synod</a>, <a href="https://theconversation.com/what-is-the-synod-of-bishops-a-catholic-priest-and-theologian-explains-168937" target="_blank" rel="noopener">an official meeting of Roman Catholic bishops</a> to determine future directions for the church globally. The <a href="https://www.synod.va/content/dam/synod/common/phases/continental-stage/dcs/Documento-Tappa-Continentale-EN.pdf" target="_blank" rel="noopener">first working document</a> issued by the synod was published on Oct. 27, 2022.</p> <p>This document was made public <a href="https://www.vatican.va/content/francesco/en/homilies/2022/documents/20221011-omelia-60concilio.html" target="_blank" rel="noopener">soon after the 60th anniversary</a> of Pope John XXIII’s 1962 convocation of the Second Vatican Council. During the three years that followed, Catholic bishops from across the globe met in several sessions, assisted by expert theologians. Many guests were also <a href="https://vaticaniiat50.wordpress.com/2013/09/27/63-non-catholic-observers-attending-second-session/" target="_blank" rel="noopener">invited as observers</a>, which included prominent Catholic laity and representatives from other Christian churches.</p> <p>The council called for fresh ways to address 20th-century social and cultural issues and initiated official dialogue groups for Catholic theologians with others from different faith traditions.</p> <div data-id="17"> </div> <p>However, Catholics have become increasingly divided over this openness to contemporary cultural changes. As a <a href="https://www.holycross.edu/academics/programs/religious-studies/faculty/joanne-pierce" target="_blank" rel="noopener">specialist in Roman Catholic liturgy and worship</a>, I find that one important flashpoint where these deeper disagreements become more painfully visible is in Catholic worship, particularly in the celebration of its seven major rituals, called the sacraments. This is especially true in the celebration of matrimony.</p> <h2>Vatican II</h2> <p>In the mid-20th century, the church was still shaken by the repercussions of World War II and struggling to contribute to a world connected by the reality of global communication and the threat of nuclear war. Vatican II was called to “update” and “renew” the church – a process Pope John XXIII called “<a href="https://www.vaticannews.va/en/vatican-city/news/2022-10/vatican-ii-council-60th-anniversary-video-history-background.html" target="_blank" rel="noopener">aggiornamento</a>.”</p> <p>One important theme connecting all of the council’s documents was <a href="http://individual.utoronto.ca/hayes/xty_canada/vatican_ii.html" target="_blank" rel="noopener">inculturation</a>, a more open dialogue with the variety of global human cultures. With the document <a href="https://www.vatican.va/archive/hist_councils/ii_vatican_council/documents/vat-ii_const_19631204_sacrosanctum-concilium_en.html" target="_blank" rel="noopener">Sacrosanctum Concilium</a>, the bishops addressed the need to revisit the centuries-old worship traditions of Catholicism, reforming the structures of the various rituals and encouraging the use of vernacular languages during prayer, rather than exclusive use of the ancient Latin texts.</p> <p>In the intervening decades, however, sharp contradictions and disagreements have arisen, especially over clashes between flexible cultural adaptation and rigorous moral and doctrinal standards. These have become much more visible during the past two pontificates: the more conservative Pope Benedict XVI – pope from 2005 to 2013 – and the more progressive Pope Francis.</p> <h2>The synod on synodality</h2> <p>For the present synod, Pope Francis began with a process of consultation with <a href="https://theconversation.com/the-catholic-church-is-increasingly-diverse-and-so-are-its-controversies-189038" target="_blank" rel="noopener">local church communities all over the world</a>, stressing the inclusion of many different groups within the church, especially of <a href="https://www.vaticannews.va/en/vatican-city/news/2022-10/voices-of-excluded-in-synod-document-for-continental-phase.html" target="_blank" rel="noopener">those who are often marginalized</a>, including the poor, migrants, LGBTQ people and women.</p> <p>However, there <a href="https://www.ncregister.com/commentaries/is-the-synod-building-a-big-tent-or-a-house-on-sand" target="_blank" rel="noopener">has also been criticism</a>. Some feel that the church should more swiftly adapt its teaching and practice to the needs of a variety of contemporary cultural shifts, while others insist it should hold on to its own traditions even more tightly.</p> <h2>Gay marriage</h2> <p>In North America and Europe, a major <a href="https://www.pewresearch.org/fact-tank/2020/11/02/how-catholics-around-the-world-see-same-sex-marriage-homosexuality/" target="_blank" rel="noopener">cultural shift</a> has taken place over recent decades concerning gays and lesbians, from marginalized rejection to acceptance and support.</p> <p>Over the years Pope Francis has <a href="https://apnews.com/article/pope-endorse-same-sex-civil-unions-eb3509b30ebac35e91aa7cbda2013de2" target="_blank" rel="noopener">come under fire</a> for his comments about homosexuality. He has publicly stated that gay Catholics are not to be discriminated against, that they have a right to enter secular civil unions and that they are to be welcomed by the Catholic community. On the other hand, he has also <a href="https://www.reuters.com/world/europe/setback-gay-catholics-vatican-says-church-cannot-bless-same-sex-unions-2021-03-15/" target="_blank" rel="noopener">refused bishops permission</a> to offer gay couples a blessing.</p> <p><a href="https://www.washingtonpost.com/world/europe/gay-blessings-germany-vatican/2021/05/10/e452cea2-af6a-11eb-82c1-896aca955bb9_story.html" target="_blank" rel="noopener">Progressive bishops in Germany</a> and <a href="https://www.reuters.com/world/europe/flemish-catholic-bishops-defying-vatican-approve-blessing-same-sex-unions-2022-09-20/" target="_blank" rel="noopener">Belgium</a>, who had been <a href="https://www.catholicnewsagency.com/news/250313/synodal-way-meeting-ends-with-call-for-same-sex-blessings-change-to-catechism-on-homosexuality" target="_blank" rel="noopener">proponents</a> of this practice, organized an open protest by setting aside a day just for the bestowal of these blessings.</p> <p>In contemporary Catholicism, discrimination or injustice against gay or lesbian individuals is <a href="https://www.usccb.org/sites/default/files/flipbooks/catechism/568/" target="_blank" rel="noopener">condemned</a>, because each human being is <a href="https://www.usccb.org/beliefs-and-teachings/what-we-believe/catholic-social-teaching/life-and-dignity-of-the-human-person" target="_blank" rel="noopener">considered to be a child of God</a>. However, homosexual orientation is still considered “<a href="https://www.vatican.va/archive/ENG0015/__P85.HTM" target="_blank" rel="noopener">intrinsically disordered</a>” and homosexual activity seriously sinful.</p> <p>The Vatican <a href="https://press.vatican.va/content/salastampa/en/bollettino/pubblico/2021/03/15/210315b.html" target="_blank" rel="noopener">has warned</a> progressives of the danger that these blessings might be considered, in the eyes of the faithful, the equivalent of a <a href="https://www.vatican.va/roman_curia/congregations/cfaith/documents/rc_con_cfaith_doc_20210222_articolo-responsum-dubium-unioni_en.html" target="_blank" rel="noopener">sacramental marriage</a>. Some might assume that homosexual activity is no longer considered sinful, a fundamental change that conservative Catholics would find completely unacceptable.</p> <p>This doctrinal perspective has led to other liturgical restrictions. For example, the baptism of children adopted by gay parents is considered a “<a href="https://www.usccb.org/committees/doctrine/pastoral-care" target="_blank" rel="noopener">serious pastoral concern</a>.” In order for a child to receive the sacrament of Catholic baptism – the blessing with water that makes the child a Catholic Christian – there must be some hope that the <a href="https://www.vatican.va/archive/cod-iuris-canonici/eng/documents/cic_lib4-cann834-878_en.html" target="_blank" rel="noopener">child will be raised in the Catholic Church</a>, yet the church teaches that homosexual activity is objectively wrong. Despite the current openness <a href="https://www.reuters.com/article/us-vatican-synod-gays/gays-and-their-children-should-not-suffer-church-bias-vatican-idUSKBN0F11HV20140626" target="_blank" rel="noopener">to gay Catholics</a>, this conflict could lead to the child’s being denied baptism.</p> <p>Following a <a href="https://www.vatican.va/roman_curia/congregations/ccatheduc/documents/rc_con_ccatheduc_doc_20051104_istruzione_en.html" target="_blank" rel="noopener">document issued in 2005</a> under Pope Benedict XVI, Pope Francis in 2018 stated that candidates for the sacrament of ordination – the ritual that makes a man a priest – <a href="https://www.reuters.com/article/us-pope-homosexuality/pope-tells-bishops-not-to-accept-gay-seminarians-report-idUSKCN1IP36J" target="_blank" rel="noopener">must be rejected</a> if they demonstrate “homosexual tendencies” or a serious interest in “gay culture.” He also advised gay men who are already ordained to <a href="https://www.reuters.com/article/us-pope-homosexuals-book/be-celibate-or-leave-the-priesthood-pope-tells-gay-priests-idUSKBN1O10K7" target="_blank" rel="noopener">maintain strict celibacy or leave the priesthood</a>.</p> <h2>Polygamy and colonialism</h2> <p>This recent cultural shift in Western nations has raised difficult questions for Catholics, both clergy and laity. In some non-Western countries, however, it is <a href="https://theconversation.com/the-catholic-church-is-increasingly-diverse-and-so-are-its-controversies-189038" target="_blank" rel="noopener">an older custom</a> that has become an important issue.</p> <p>The culture of many African countries is supportive of polygamy – more specifically, the <a href="https://catholicherald.co.uk/many-african-catholics-have-more-than-one-wife-what-should-the-church-do/" target="_blank" rel="noopener">practice of allowing men to take more than one wife</a>. While the civil law in some countries might not allow for polygamy, the “<a href="http://www.scielo.org.za/pdf/she/v39n1/14.pdf" target="_blank" rel="noopener">customary law</a>” rooted in traditional practice may still remain in force.</p> <p>In some countries, like Kenya in 2014, <a href="https://cruxnow.com/cns/2018/05/11/some-kenyan-christians-support-polygamy-but-catholic-church-says-no" target="_blank" rel="noopener">civil law has been changed</a> to include an <a href="https://www.americamagazine.org/faith/2019/01/07/pushed-politicians-polygamy-abounds-among-christians-kenya?destination=/faith/2019/01/07/pushed-politicians-polygamy-abounds-among-christians-kenya" target="_blank" rel="noopener">official recognition of polygamous marriage</a>. Some have argued that monogamy is not an organic cultural shift but a <a href="https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC8827617/" target="_blank" rel="noopener">colonial imposition</a> on African cultural traditions. In some areas, Catholic men continue the practice, even those who act on behalf of the church in teaching others about the faith – called catechists.</p> <p>At least one African bishop <a href="https://www.catholicnewsagency.com/news/17354/synod-for-africa-ponders-how-to-tackle-polygamy-meddling-by-foreign-interests" target="_blank" rel="noopener">has made an interesting suggestion</a>. The openness to alternative cultural approaches has already resulted in one change. Divorced and remarried Catholics were once forbidden from taking Communion – the bread and wine consecrated at the celebration of the Catholic ritual of the Mass – because the church did not recognize secular divorce.</p> <p>Today, they may <a href="https://www.ncronline.org/vatican-cardinal-amoris-laetitia-allows-some-remarried-take-communion" target="_blank" rel="noopener">receive communion</a> under certain conditions. This flexibility might apply as well to Catholics in non-recognized polygamous unions, who are also <a href="https://www.commonwealmagazine.org/african-bishop-polygamy-homosexuality-divorce-oh-my" target="_blank" rel="noopener">not permitted to receive Communion</a> at present.</p> <p>As Pope Francis wrote in his 2016 document on marriage, <a href="https://www.vatican.va/content/dam/francesco/pdf/apost_exhortations/documents/papa-francesco_esortazione-ap_20160319_amoris-laetitia_en.pdf" target="_blank" rel="noopener">Amoris Laetitia</a>, some matters should be left to local churches to decide based on their own culture and traditions.</p> <p>However, despite the <a href="https://www.vatican.va/roman_curia/congregations/cfaith/cti_documents/rc_cti_1988_fede-inculturazione_en.html" target="_blank" rel="noopener">need for increased awareness of and openness to diverse human cultures</a> stressed during Vatican II and the current synod, this traditional custom is still considered a violation of Catholic teaching. Based on the words of Jesus in the <a href="https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Matthew%2019%3A6&amp;version=NRSVACE" target="_blank" rel="noopener">Gospel of Matthew</a>, Catholic teaching continues to emphasize that marriage can take place only between <a href="https://www.catholicculture.org/culture/library/catechism/index.cfm?recnum=6219" target="_blank" rel="noopener">one man and one woman as a lifelong commitment</a>.</p> <p>How the current synod on synodality, in its effort to extend the insights of the Second Vatican Council, will deal with questions like these is still unclear. It is now set to run for an additional year, concluding in 2024 instead of 2023.</p> <p><strong>This article originally appeared on <a href="https://theconversation.com/catholic-conflicts-on-marriage-continue-even-decades-after-vatican-ii-192808" target="_blank" rel="noopener">The Conversation</a>.</strong></p> <p><em>Image: Shutterstock</em></p>

Relationships

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Finding a legal resolution through mediation

<p>To say legal disputes can get messy is quite an understatement. And court is the last place you want to be with someone that you were previously close with.</p> <p>The good news is that there are alternatives. We’re going to look at mediation, an effective legal process that can be used to handle complicated disputes when there’s a need to preserve the relationship. We’re going to look at the ins and outs of this process, so you can figure out whether or not it’s in your best interest for your particular dispute.</p> <p><strong>What is mediation?</strong></p> <p>In a basic sense, mediation is a structured negotiation process with a third party involved. The third, independent party is known as the mediator and is brought in to help assist the groups identify and assess the different options they have for resolving disputes.</p> <p>Mediation is useful if there is a need for parties to find a way to preserve their relationship and the possibility that a judge’s decision won’t resolve the dispute.</p> <p>It also has the following advantages:</p> <ul> <li><strong>Time</strong> – mediation tends to resolve disputes much quicker than a trial.</li> <li><strong>Cost</strong> – mediation avoids the costs of preparing and running a trial entirely.</li> <li><strong>Flexibility </strong>– mediation gives both parties more control over the outcome. </li> <li><strong>Stress</strong> – mediation is less formal, and a much more relaxed environment.</li> <li><strong>Confidentiality</strong> – mediation by its nature is private and a judge is not informed.</li> <li><strong>Satisfaction</strong> – because both parties have had an influence in the decisions it’s more likely to please everybody.</li> <li><strong>Finality</strong> – the settlement can only be modified with agreement of all parties.</li> </ul> <p><strong>How does it work?</strong></p> <p>Basically, before a mediation commences, the mediator will consult both parties with a view to figure out the best process for coming to a dispute. This will also generally involve a discussion about the background of the matter and issues involved. </p> <p>The process itself is flexible and tailored to the circumstances. Mediators may assist the flow of negotiations and offer different perspectives. In the end if the parties come to an agreement the matter is settled in full or in part or if a conclusion is unable to be reached a trial may be necessary depending on the circumstances of the dispute.</p> <p>Have you ever found yourself in a legal dispute and how did you cope? Do you think mediation is an option you might look into exploring now?</p> <p><em>Image: Shutterstock</em></p>

Legal

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NASA releases highest-resolution images of infrared Universe

<p dir="ltr">New images released by NASA have captured the Universe in a level of detail never before seen and shows a cluster of galaxies as it appeared 4.6 billion years ago.</p> <p dir="ltr">The images, taken by the $13 billion James Webb Space Telescope, depict galaxy cluster <a href="https://www.nasa.gov/image-feature/goddard/2022/nasa-s-webb-delivers-deepest-infrared-image-of-universe-yet" target="_blank" rel="noopener">SMACS 0723</a> using composite images from its near-infrared camera that were taken at different wavelengths.</p> <p dir="ltr">The galaxy cluster has been photographed previously by the Hubble Space Telescope, though its smaller mirrors and closer orbit to Earth mean its images are less detailed and that it can’t peer back as far in time in comparison to the James Webb telescope, as reported by the <em><a href="https://www.abc.net.au/news/2022-07-13/nasa-webb-hubble-telescope-universe-image-comparison/101233396" target="_blank" rel="noopener">ABC</a></em>.</p> <p dir="ltr">As a result, the structures of distant galaxies are now visible, including clusters of stars and other features, according to a <a href="https://www.nasa.gov/image-feature/goddard/2022/nasa-s-webb-delivers-deepest-infrared-image-of-universe-yet" target="_blank" rel="noopener">release</a> from NASA.</p> <p dir="ltr">“We are looking back in time to within a billion years after the big bang when viewing the youngest galaxies in this field,” the release reads.</p> <p dir="ltr">In total, four images have been released by NASA, depicting the cosmic cliffs of the <a href="https://www.nasa.gov/image-feature/goddard/2022/nasa-s-webb-reveals-cosmic-cliffs-glittering-landscape-of-star-birth" target="_blank" rel="noopener">Carina Nebula</a> (a star-forming gaseous cavity created from ultraviolet radiation and stellar winds), <a href="https://www.nasa.gov/image-feature/goddard/2022/nasa-s-webb-sheds-light-on-galaxy-evolution-black-holes" target="_blank" rel="noopener">Stephen’s Quintet</a> (a group of five growing galaxies which appeared in the film <em>It’s a Wonderful Life</em>), the <a href="https://www.nasa.gov/image-feature/goddard/2022/nasa-s-webb-captures-dying-star-s-final-performance-in-fine-detail" target="_blank" rel="noopener">Southern Ring Nebula</a> (a dying star surrounded by rings of gas and dust), and SMACS 0723.</p> <p dir="ltr">Spectra of the atmosphere surrounding <a href="https://www.nasa.gov/image-feature/goddard/2022/nasa-s-webb-reveals-steamy-atmosphere-of-distant-planet-in-detail" target="_blank" rel="noopener">WASP-96 b</a>, a hot gas giant exoplanet, was also released. It shows evidence of water, as well as clouds and haze in the atmosphere of the planet, which orbits a distant Sun-like star.</p> <p dir="ltr">These images and spectra collected from Webb’s other instruments, will be used by scientists to learn more about the masses, ages, histories and compositions of the distant galaxies.</p> <p dir="ltr">Experts from around the world have shared their excitement at the release of the images and what it will mean for future research.</p> <p dir="ltr">“Wow wow wow!!! The Webb telescope continues to absolutely amaze and delight with these first images!” Dr Kim-Vy Tran, an associate professor at UNSW and a professional astronomer, said.</p> <p dir="ltr">“Stephan’s Quintet is a fabulous system of close galaxies, you can almost feel the shockwaves as these galaxies collide and tumble in their cosmic dance. Bound together by gravity, these galaxies are important for understanding the future of galaxies like our Milky Way.</p> <p dir="ltr">The Carinae nebula is also just superb. It’s a stellar nursery full of baby stars where we’re seeing incredible levels of detail for the first time.</p> <p dir="ltr">It’s like before we could see just the trees in the forest, but now we can see down to the branches and even the leaves of individual trees. Some of these baby stars are super-charged giants that are radiating huge amounts of energy, imagine a UV index of a gazillion!"</p> <p dir="ltr">Dr Themiya Nanayakkara, an astronomer at Swinburne University of Technology and the Australian point of contact for the James Webb Space Telescope user support, described seeing the images as “quite humbling”.</p> <p dir="ltr">"It is quite humbling to see the sharpest images of our birth clouds in our cosmic neighbourhood,” Dr Nanayakkara said.</p> <p dir="ltr">“As a person who has spent many nights using the largest telescopes on Earth to detect the faintest signatures of the early cosmos, I feel the transformation to JWST will be game-changing. The released spectra show that we don’t just detect one faint line, we can get the full suite of chemical elements in these galaxies.</p> <p dir="ltr">“This, for the first time, gives us unique human DNA-like signatures of the first galaxies in the Universe to build up the origin story of life and everything around us. And to think of that the most exciting times from this telescope are yet to come!"</p> <p><span id="docs-internal-guid-131f1508-7fff-8c0e-70f5-200ccbb07932"></span></p> <p dir="ltr"><em>Images: </em><em>NASA, ESA, CSA, and STScI</em></p>

Technology

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Why banning men from leaving Ukraine violates their human rights

<p>As Ukraine scrambles to defend itself from Russia’s illegal invasion, men aged 18 to 60 have been <a href="https://edition.cnn.com/europe/live-news/ukraine-russia-news-02-24-22-intl/h_4309a4916d57670f85519210a07fb2c9" target="_blank" rel="noopener">banned</a> from leaving the country.</p> <p>The declaration of <a href="https://www.aljazeera.com/news/2022/2/24/martial-law-in-ukraine-what-you-need-to-know" target="_blank" rel="noopener">martial law</a> in Ukraine gives the government power to enact this ban, but it is not in keeping with human rights or humanitarian norms.</p> <p>So, what is actually happening in Ukraine and what does the law say?</p> <p><strong>What the Ukrainian government says</strong></p> <p>When Russia invaded last month, Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelensky called on Ukrainian civilians to defend their country.</p> <p>As the Ukrainian interior ministry also <a href="https://observers.france24.com/en/europe/20220225-thousands-of-ukrainians-sign-up-to-fight-for-their-country-as-russia-invasion-continues" target="_blank" rel="noopener">posted</a> on Telegram:</p> <blockquote> <p>Today is the moment when every Ukrainian who can protect his home must take up arms. Not just to help our soldiers, but to cleanse Ukraine of the enemy once and for all.</p> </blockquote> <p>But if you are a man between 18 and 60, this call to arms may seem more like a compulsory requirement. As Ukraine’s border guard service <a href="https://www.vice.com/en/article/z3ng45/males-banned-from-leaving-ukraine" target="_blank" rel="noopener">explains</a>, the ban on adult men leaving is aimed at guaranteeing “Ukraine’s defence and the organisation of timely mobilisation’”.</p> <p><strong>What does self-defence look like?</strong></p> <p>Given the illegality of Russia’s invasion, Ukraine is entitled to defend itself under the <a href="https://legal.un.org/repertory/art51.shtml" target="_blank" rel="noopener">United Nations Charter</a>. Of course, a country will rely on all available military resources to exercise this right of self-defence.</p> <p>Ukraine already has a sizeable <a href="https://en.as.com/en/2022/02/27/latest_news/1645988584_607115.html#:%7E:text=Ukraine%20has%20a%20sizeable%20force,and%20paramilitary%20forces%20are%20included." target="_blank" rel="noopener">army</a>, with 200,000 active personnel and 300,000 reservists, as well as paramilitary forces who are now being mobilised under the general mobilisation decree.</p> <p>But Ukraine’s military resources pale in comparison to Russia’s <a href="https://www.abc.net.au/news/2022-03-01/russian-military-remade-itself-modern-deadly-fighting-machine/100868776" target="_blank" rel="noopener">modern, professional</a> army built up through <a href="https://www.sipri.org/commentary/topical-backgrounder/2020/russias-military-spending-frequently-asked-questions" target="_blank" rel="noopener">massive investment</a> over the past decade. It has about 900,000 active personnel and about two million reservists.</p> <p>Given the obvious <a href="https://www.aljazeera.com/news/2022/1/25/infographic-military-capabilities-of-russia-and-ukraine-interactive" target="_blank" rel="noopener">imbalance</a>, it is not surprising Ukraine is now desperate to mobilise every eligible individual. But there is an important distinction between people who are conscripted into military service and people who are banned from leaving, but not then formally mobilised or equipped to fight.</p> <p><strong>Conscientious objection</strong></p> <p>With their country facing armed attack by a major military power with the aim of <a href="https://www.politico.eu/article/putin-calls-on-ukraine-military-to-overthrow-government-agree-peace-deal/" target="_blank" rel="noopener">overthrowing their government</a>, some Ukrainians have felt compelled to stay and potentially fight.</p> <p>Some have enlisted in the wake of Russia’s invasion. These brand new soldiers have been called both <a href="https://theintercept.com/2022/02/26/ukraine-russia-invasion-conscription/" target="_blank" rel="noopener">conscripts</a> and <a href="https://www.theguardian.com/world/2022/mar/02/ukrainian-volunteers-united-front-against-russia-invasion" target="_blank" rel="noopener">volunteers</a>.</p> <p>Others have felt compelled to leave. The very nature of the conflict puts civilians at risk - it is playing out in densely populated cities, through shelling and <a href="https://www.bbc.com/news/world-europe-60585603" target="_blank" rel="noopener">aerial bombardment</a>. Already more than <a href="https://www.unhcr.org/news/press/2022/3/62206a824/news-comment-1-million-refugees-fled-ukraine-week.html" target="_blank" rel="noopener">one million people</a> have fled.</p> <p>However, for men aged 18 to 60, the ban on leaving Ukraine means they have no choice to flee the attack and the risks they face as civilians in the theatre of war.</p> <p>A New York Times <a href="https://www.nytimes.com/2022/03/01/podcasts/the-daily/ukraine-russia-kyiv-civilian-military.html" target="_blank" rel="noopener">podcast</a> tells the story of an animator named Tyhran, who unsuccessfully tried to cross the border into Poland.</p> <blockquote> <p>I can’t imagine myself doing military stuff […] I have no experience in it. I’m afraid of holding a gun […] I cannot imagine myself holding a gun.</p> </blockquote> <p>Tyhran says he was shamed at the border by guards and others seeking to cross, but may try again to cross illegally.</p> <blockquote> <p>They are bombing and people are dying. Everyone is running […] They are not going to stop. They just want to destroy.</p> </blockquote> <p>Meanwhile, there are <a href="https://www.latimes.com/world-nation/story/2022-03-03/lgbt-ukrainians-are-terrified-of-a-life-under-russia-where-homophobia" target="_blank" rel="noopener">reports</a> LGBTQI+ Ukrainians are terrified of being targeted, given Russia’s <a href="https://www.hrw.org/report/2018/12/12/no-support/russias-gay-propaganda-law-imperils-lgbt-youth" target="_blank" rel="noopener">program</a> of <a href="https://freedomhouse.org/article/dismantling-lgbt-rights-means-control-russia" target="_blank" rel="noopener">discrimination</a> against gay and transgender people in Russia.</p> <p><strong>What international law says</strong></p> <p>The International Covenant on Civil and Political Rights <a href="https://www.ohchr.org/EN/Issues/RuleOfLaw/Pages/ConscientiousObjection.aspx" target="_blank" rel="noopener">guarantees</a> freedom of thought, conscience and religion or belief. Although it does not specifically guarantee a right to conscientious objection to military service, the UN Human Rights Committee has <a href="https://tbinternet.ohchr.org/_layouts/15/treatybodyexternal/Download.aspx?symbolno=CCPR/C/21/Rev.1/Add.4&Lang=en" target="_blank" rel="noopener">confirmed</a> this right derives from the protection under the convention.</p> <p>This means that if a person’s conscience, religion or beliefs conflict with an obligation to use lethal force against other people, their right to conscientious objection to military service must be protected.</p> <p>Some human rights <a href="https://www.tandfonline.com/doi/abs/10.1080/1323238X.2021.1995123?journalCode=rjhu20#.YfsmG3scCLA.twitter" target="_blank" rel="noopener">can be suspended or limited</a> during a public emergency. But the right to freedom of conscience is specifically <a href="https://www.ag.gov.au/rights-and-protections/human-rights-and-anti-discrimination/human-rights-scrutiny/public-sector-guidance-sheets/right-freedom-thought-conscience-and-religion-or-belief#can-the-right-to-freedom-of-thought-conscience-and-religion-or-belief-be-limited" target="_blank" rel="noopener">excluded</a> from this category.</p> <p><strong>What should Ukraine do?</strong></p> <p>The government of Ukraine should cancel its ban on men leaving the country. To maintain it will violate the freedom of conscience of any man who wishes to flee due to a conscientious objection to killing others.</p> <p>In relation to LGBTQI+ people, the ban could also be regarded as preventing people with a well founded fear of persecution from fleeing to seek <a href="https://www.unhcr.org/en-au/3b66c2aa10" target="_blank" rel="noopener">refuge</a> outside Ukraine.</p> <p>More broadly, repealing the departure ban would protect Ukraine from allegations it is failing to <a href="https://www.icrc.org/en/doc/war-and-law/protected-persons/civilians/overview-civilians-protected.htm" target="_blank" rel="noopener">protect civilians</a>, as required by international humanitarian law. It is one thing to conscript men into military service, providing training and appropriate equipment (although, even in that case, a right to conscientious objection must be respected).</p> <p>It is another thing entirely to prevent civilians from escaping a war zone.</p> <p><strong>The international context</strong></p> <p>Ukraine must also consider how its actions reflect on parallel efforts to hold Russia accountable for its illegal aggression and potential violations of human rights.</p> <p>For example, Ukraine has requested the <a href="https://www.icj-cij.org/en/case/182" target="_blank" rel="noopener">International Court of Justice</a> to intervene with the international law equivalent of an injunction against Russia. Ukraine alleges Russia is using false accusations of genocide to justify an illegal invasion that is, in turn, inflicting human rights violations on the people of Ukraine.</p> <p>Meanwhile, the International Criminal Court’s prosecutor has initiated an investigation of Russia’s actions in Ukraine. The prosecutor has identified a reasonable basis to believe that <a href="https://www.theguardian.com/law/2022/mar/06/leave-no-stone-unturned-how-investigators-gather-evidence-of-war-crimes-in-ukraine" target="_blank" rel="noopener">alleged war crimes</a> and crimes against humanity are underway in Ukraine.</p> <p>In this context, Ukraine must remain mindful of the legality of its own practice. The ban on men leaving Ukraine ought to be lifted, because it is legally and ethically wrong to force civilians to stay in harm’s way when they have the opportunity and desire to escape.<img style="border: none !important; box-shadow: none !important; margin: 0 !important; max-height: 1px !important; max-width: 1px !important; min-height: 1px !important; min-width: 1px !important; opacity: 0 !important; outline: none !important; padding: 0 !important; text-shadow: none !important;" src="https://counter.theconversation.com/content/178411/count.gif?distributor=republish-lightbox-basic" alt="The Conversation" width="1" height="1" /></p> <p><em><a href="https://theconversation.com/profiles/amy-maguire-129609" target="_blank" rel="noopener">Amy Maguire</a>, Associate Professor in Human Rights and International Law, <a href="https://theconversation.com/institutions/university-of-newcastle-1060" target="_blank" rel="noopener">University of Newcastle</a></em></p> <p><em>This article is republished from <a href="https://theconversation.com" target="_blank" rel="noopener">The Conversation</a> under a Creative Commons license. Read the <a href="https://theconversation.com/why-banning-men-from-leaving-ukraine-violates-their-human-rights-178411" target="_blank" rel="noopener">original article</a>.</em></p> <p><em>Image: Getty Images</em></p>

Legal

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"Worst is yet to come" in Russia-Ukraine conflict

<p>After a tense phone call with Russian leader Vladimir Putin, French President Emmanuel Macron fears “the worst is to come” in Ukraine.</p> <p>According to an aide of the French leader, Putin is intent on seizing "the whole country" of Ukraine as violence continues on the streets of the county under siege. </p> <p>“The expectation of the president is that the worst is to come, given what President Putin told him,” the senior aide told reporters on the condition of anonymity.</p> <p>“There was nothing in what President Putin told us that should reassure us. He showed great determination to continue the operation,” the aide added, adding that Mr Macron told Mr Putin he was making a “grave mistake”.</p> <p>Macron later tweeted that in the conversation, Mr Putin showed he “refuses … to stop his attacks against Ukraine”. Mr Putin “wanted to seize control of the whole of Ukraine … he will, in his own words, carry out his operation to ‘de-Nazify’ Ukraine to the end”.</p> <p>In response to Mr Putin’s claim of “de-Nazification”, Mr Macron replied that “either you are telling yourself stories or you’re looking for a pretext”, according to his aide.</p> <p>“In any case, what you’re saying does not match with reality and can in no way justify the violence of what you’re doing today, nor that your country is going to pay a very high price because it will end up an isolated, weakened country under sanctions for a long time,” said Mr Macron, who reportedly told Mr Putin he was “delusional”.</p> <p>Putin also vowed that he would "destroy 'anti-Russia' rhetoric created by the West", while also claiming that the people of Ukraine had been “brainwashed” and that Russian soldiers were the “real heroes”.</p> <p>The invasion of Ukraine began over a week ago, with at least 9,000 death reported and thousands of Ukrainians left with no choice other than to flee their home country. </p> <p><em>Image credits: Getty Images</em></p>

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Prince Charles makes rare statement on Ukraine conflict

<p>In a stunning break from protocol, Prince Charles – a senior member of the royal family, which traditionally remains neutral on such matters – has made a rare statement concerning the ongoing Russia-Ukraine conflict.</p> <p>“Russia's invasion of Ukraine is an attack on freedom and democracy,” said Queen Elizabeth II’s eldest son and heir.</p> <p>Prince Charles spoke out as he visited Southend-on-Sea, where in October last year local MP David Amess was stabbed to death as he met constituents at a weekly public meeting.</p> <p>He described Amess' death as "an attack on democracy … on open society, on freedom itself".</p> <p>"We are seeing those same values under attack today in Ukraine in the most unconscionable way," he said in a speech to mark Southend officially gaining city status.</p> <p>"In the stand we take here, we are in solidarity with all those who are resisting brutal aggression."</p> <p>Last weekend, Charles' eldest son Prince William and his wife Catherine sent a personal message of support to the people of Ukraine.</p> <p>In a tweet, they recalled meeting Ukraine's President Volodymyr Zelensky and his wife in October 2020, and hearing of their "hope and optimism" for the country.</p> <p>"Today we stand with the President and all of Ukraine's people as they bravely fight for that future," they added.</p> <p>*embed tweet</p> <p>Prince Harry and Meghan sent their own message from the United States last week.</p> <p>"We stand with the people of Ukraine," they wrote on the website of their charitable organisation Archewell, calling Russia's invasion a "breach of international and humanitarian law". </p> <p><em>Image: Getty </em></p>

Caring

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The heart-breaking way Ukrainian parents are keeping their kids safe

<p>As the people of Ukraine brace for increasing military conflict from Russia, parents are taking every measure to keep their children safe. </p> <p>Parents in Ukraine have resorted to sending their children to school wearing stickers that list their blood types in case the worst happens while out of their parents' sight. </p> <p>On Monday, after President Vladimir Putin gave a speech in which he “recognised the independence” of two separatist, pro-Russia regions of eastern Ukraine - an act Kyiv’s mayor described as a declaration of war - many parents started sending their children to school with special stickers.</p> <p>Vasyl and Marta, whose last names are being withheld for their protection, took part in the protection measure when sending their two daughters, age 5 and 9, to school in their village 15 kilometres from the Ukrainian capital of Kyiv.</p> <p>“It’s like a piece of paper, with blood type information, the names of their parents, and telephone numbers,” Vasyl tells <em>Today</em> via phone. </p> <p>“There is no one form for such a sticker. It depends on every parent. It’s up to them.”</p> <p>Mothers in the Ukraine started discussing the sticker system in closed Facebook groups after Putin's speech in order to do what they could to ensure the safety of their kids. </p> <p>“This was a debate in one of (many) closed groups on Facebook,” Olga Tokariuk, a Kyiv-based freelance correspondent, tells <em>Today</em>. “Some schools actually made these stickers mandatory.”</p> <p>Ukrainian mother Khrystyna has also had several safety conversations with her three daughters, making sure her 3 and 5 year olds know their address, their first and last names, and their mother’s full name.</p> <p>“What they know is that, ‘You should listen to your mum and do what she says.’ And if I said, ‘We go with me’ —because you know, kids want to do what they want — I said, ‘No, you do what I say, and that’s it. And if you should hear loud noises, you listen to me very carefully.’”</p> <p>While Khrystyna is continuing to send her 13-year-old to school, she is keeping her two youngest daughters home.</p> <p>"We pray a lot,” she said. “We just pray for peace.”</p> <p><em>Image credits: Getty Images</em></p>

Caring

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Russian invasion of Ukraine "imminent": What you need to know

<p dir="ltr">The threat of Russia invading Ukraine grows as diplomatic relations between Moscow and the US feel the pressure, with Russia expelling the US’s second most senior diplomat in what the US State Department has described as “an escalatory step”.</p> <p dir="ltr">“We can confirm that Russia expelled US Deputy Chief of Mission (DCM) to Russia, Bart Gorman,” a State Department spokesperson said.</p> <p dir="ltr">President Joe Biden <a href="https://www.news.com.au/world/europe/russia-accused-of-launching-mortars-in-eastern-ukraine/news-story/80cfce6535f96fd5f1a5e45cd01565c1" target="_blank" rel="noopener">told</a> reporters the threat of Russia invading Ukraine is “very high” and that he believes it could occur in the next “several days”.</p> <p dir="ltr">Meanwhile, Western leaders have accused Russia of attempting a false-flag operation to discredit the Ukraine government, after it was reported that a kindergarten was shelled in a spate of shelling incidents in Donbas, in eastern Ukraine.</p> <p dir="ltr">The Kremlin accused Ukraine of firing first, while Volodymyr Zelensky, Ukraine’s president, described the shelling of the kindergarten as “a big provocation”.</p> <p dir="ltr"><strong>Tensions between Russia and Ukraine explained</strong></p> <p dir="ltr">Ukraine has been in conflict with pro-Moscow rebels in the country’s east since 2014, after the then-Ukraine leader decided not to join the European Union.</p> <p dir="ltr">Russia has been accused of supplying the rebels with funds, weapons and even troops, but has denied this and said any soldiers who joined the movement did so voluntarily.</p> <p dir="ltr">The rebel movement eventually grew so much that Russia was able to annex the peninsula of Crimea from Ukraine and take control of it, prompting the US and other North Atlantic Treaty Organisation (NATO) allies to send weapons to Ukraine.</p> <p dir="ltr">Relations between the two nations have worsened since.</p> <p dir="ltr">The most recent tensions <a href="https://www.pedestrian.tv/news/russia-ukraine-explained/" target="_blank" rel="noopener">have come</a> after Ukraine said it wanted to join NATO to access more protection in the form of military force.</p> <p dir="ltr"><strong>Why are the US and other Western countries involved?</strong></p> <p dir="ltr">Russia has demanded the West refuse Ukraine’s request - and prevent other former Soviet states from joining - believing its neighbour will try to regain control of Crimea among other concerns.</p> <p dir="ltr">The US and NATO responded separately to Russia’s demands at the end of January, with <a href="https://www.aljazeera.com/news/2022/1/26/us-nato-deliver-responses-to-russian-demands-over-ukraine" target="_blank" rel="noopener"><em>Al Jazeera</em></a><em> </em>reporting that the US ruled out agreeing to exclude Ukraine and other eastern states from NATO.</p> <p dir="ltr">However, Russia has replied to the US and <a href="https://www.theguardian.com/world/live/2022/feb/17/russia-ukraine-news-troops-border-latest-live-putin-biden-kyiv-russian-invasion-threat?filterKeyEvents=false&amp;page=with:block-620e55758f08fc958652839e#block-620e55758f08fc958652839e" target="_blank" rel="noopener">accused</a> the Western nation of ignoring its core demands and threatened to take “a military-technical response”.</p> <blockquote class="twitter-tweet"> <p dir="ltr" lang="en">"The American side has not given a constructive response to the basic elements of Russia's draft agreement," the letter says. If that continues, "Russia will be forced to respond, including through measures of a military-technical nature."</p> <p>— max seddon (@maxseddon) <a href="https://twitter.com/maxseddon/status/1494320352394051590?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">February 17, 2022</a></p></blockquote> <p dir="ltr"><strong>What’s happening now?</strong></p> <p dir="ltr">Since January, as many as 130,000 Russian troops have been stationed along parts of the Ukrainian border, despite Russia repeatedly denying it is planning an invasion.</p> <p dir="ltr">On February 12, the US warned “we are in the window where an invasion could begin at any time”.</p> <p dir="ltr">Three days later, Russian president Vladimir Putin confirmed the troops would be pulled back from the border, despite Western intelligence reporting that its forces are continuing to build up.</p> <p dir="ltr">Meanwhile, on February 16 a German convoy reached Lithuania as part of planned reinforcements for the country’s Germany-led NATO battlegroup, which has been authorised to defend Lithuania if a threat emerges.</p> <p dir="ltr"><em>Image: Getty Images</em></p>

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Conflicts between nursing home residents are often chalked up to dementia – the real problem is inadequate care and neglect

<p>Frank Piccolo was a beloved high school chemistry teacher in Ontario, Canada, until his retirement in 1998. “His trademark was to greet all of his students at the door at the start of class to make sure everyone felt welcomed there,” <a href="https://www.saultstar.com/2013/02/21/remembering-frank-piccolo--oconnor">wrote a former student</a>. “He had extensive knowledge of his subject matter, passion for his craft, and empathy for his students.”</p> <p>But after Frank’s retirement, he developed dementia. When his condition declined, his family moved him to a Toronto nursing home. One evening in 2012, another resident – a woman with dementia – entered Frank’s bedroom. She hit Frank repeatedly in the head and face with a wooden activity board. Staff found Frank slumped over in his wheelchair, drenched in blood. He died three months later.</p> <p>The Ontario Ministry of Health and Long-Term Care investigated. It found that the woman had a history of pushing, hitting and throwing objects at staff and other residents. But the nursing home didn’t address the woman’s behavioral expressions for weeks before the attack on Piccolo, <a href="https://s3.documentcloud.org/documents/21048374/inspection-report.pdf">the agency determined</a>. “There were no interventions implemented, no strategies developed,” the report stated.</p> <p><img src="https://images.theconversation.com/files/440940/original/file-20220115-27-vtyb52.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&amp;q=45&amp;auto=format&amp;w=237&amp;fit=clip" alt="Frank Piccolo and his wife, Theresa, standing near each othe, on vacation, with a hillside village and the sea behind them." /> <span class="caption">Frank Piccolo and his wife, Theresa, traveling together in Italy in 2001.</span> <span class="attribution"><span class="source">Theresa Piccolo</span>, <a href="http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-nc-nd/4.0/" class="license">CC BY-NC-ND</a></span></p> <p>As a gerontologist and <a href="http://dementiabehaviorconsulting.com">dementia behavior specialist</a>, I’ve <a href="https://www.healthpropress.com/product/understanding-and-preventing-harmful-interactions-between-residents-with-dementia/">written a book</a> on preventing these incidents. I also co-directed, with dementia care expert Judy Berry, a documentary on the phenomenon called “<a href="https://terranova.org/film-catalog/fighting-for-dignity-a-film-on-injurious-and-fatal-resident-to-resident-incidents-in-long-term-care-home">Fighting for Dignity</a>.” The film sheds light on the emotional trauma experienced by family members of residents harmed during these episodes in U.S. long-term care homes.</p> <h2>Reporting and stigmatizing</h2> <p><a href="https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1532-5415.2008.01808.x">Resident-to-resident incidents</a> are defined by researchers as “negative, aggressive and intrusive verbal, physical, material and sexual interactions between residents” that can cause “psychological distress and physical harm in the recipient.”</p> <p>These incidents <a href="https://doi.org/10.7326/M15-1209">are prevalent</a> in U.S. nursing homes. But they are <a href="https://www.statnews.com/2021/11/29/resident-to-resident-incidents-hidden-source-nursing-home-harm/">largely overlooked</a> by the Centers for Medicare and Medicaid Services, the federal agency overseeing care in approximately 15,000 nursing homes across the country. Consequently, such incidents <a href="https://doi.org/10.1080/08946566.2017.1333939">remain untracked</a>, <a href="https://doi.org/10.1016/j.jamda.2015.10.003">understudied</a> and largely unaddressed.</p> <p><a href="https://images.theconversation.com/files/440941/original/file-20220115-18-1qy7een.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&amp;q=45&amp;auto=format&amp;w=1000&amp;fit=clip"><img src="https://images.theconversation.com/files/440941/original/file-20220115-18-1qy7een.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&amp;q=45&amp;auto=format&amp;w=237&amp;fit=clip" alt="An elderly man with severe injuries, including cut marks and bruises, across his face and forehead." /></a> <span class="caption">Frank Piccolo sustained severe injuries to his face and head after a woman with dementia entered his bedroom and hit him repeatedly with an activity board.</span> <span class="attribution"><span class="source">Theresa Piccolo</span>, <a href="http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-nc-nd/4.0/" class="license">CC BY-NC-ND</a></span></p> <p>These interactions don’t just result <a href="https://doi.org/10.1001/jama.291.5.591">in injuries</a> <a href="https://doi.org/10.1177/0733464819863926">and deaths</a> among residents. They also leave behind devastated families who then must <a href="https://www.washingtonpost.com/business/2021/08/20/nursing-home-immunity-covid-lawsuits">fight for answers</a> and accountability from nursing homes.</p> <p>Making matters worse, <a href="https://www.gao.gov/products/gao-19-433">government reports</a>, <a href="https://doi.org/10.1017/S0714980815000094">research studies</a> and <a href="https://doi.org/10.1177/1471301220981232">media coverage</a> commonly describe these episodes with words that stigmatize people with dementia. Researchers, public officials and journalists tend to <a href="https://www.startribune.com/when-senior-home-residents-are-abusers-minnesota-rarely-investigates/450625693/">label the incidents as “abuse</a>,” “violence” and “aggression.” They call a resident involved in an incident a “perpetrator” or an “aggressor.” News outlets described the attack on Piccolo by the woman with dementia as “aggressive” or “violent.” And when reporting on <a href="https://www.thestar.com/news/gta/2013/02/09/more_than_10000_canadians_abused_annually_by_fellow_nursing_home_residents.html">the phenomenon</a> in Canada, the Toronto Star called it “abuse.”</p> <h2>Getting to the root of the real problem</h2> <p>Most incidents, however, do not constitute abuse. A growing body of evidence suggests the true cause of these injuries and deaths is inadequate care and neglect on the part of care homes. Specifically, there is a lack of the specialized care that people with dementia require.</p> <p>Two of every three residents <a href="https://doi.org/10.1016/j.jamda.2021.02.009">involved in these incidents</a> have dementia. One study found that the rate of these episodes was nearly <a href="https://doi.org/10.1001/jama.291.5.591">three times higher</a> in dementia care homes than in other long-term care homes. A recent study also found <a href="https://doi.org/10.7326/m15-1209">an association</a> between residency in a dementia care home and higher rates of injurious or fatal interactions between residents.</p> <p>But for these residents, the conflicts occur mostly when their emotional, medical and other needs are not met. When they reach a breaking point in frustration related to the unmet need, they may push or hit another resident. My research in the U.S. and Canada has shown that <a href="https://doi.org/10.1080/08946566.2018.1474515">“push-fall” episodes</a> constitute nearly half of fatal incidents.</p> <p>Another U.S. study found that as residents’ cognitive functioning declined, they faced <a href="https://doi.org/10.1001/jama.291.5.591">a greater likelihood</a> of injury in these incidents. Those with advanced dementia were more susceptible to inadvertently “getting in harm’s way,” by saying or doing things that trigger angry reactions in other residents.</p> <p>The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention has stated that what it calls “aggression” between residents <a href="https://www.cdc.gov/violenceprevention/pdf/ea_book_revised_2016.pdf">is not abuse</a>. Instead, the CDC noted that these episodes may result when care homes fail to prevent them by taking adequate action. And a study on <a href="https://doi.org/10.1177/0733464819863926">fatal incidents</a> in U.S. nursing homes has shown that many residents were “deemed to lack cognitive capacity to be held accountable for their actions.”</p> <p><iframe width="440" height="260" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/gk5iEo-s_6M?wmode=transparent&amp;start=0" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen=""></iframe> <span class="caption">An undercover yearlong investigation into nursing homes in Ontario, Canada, revealed shocking instances of abuse and neglect by staff members.</span></p> <h2>How incidents often occur</h2> <p>In one study, researchers examined <a href="https://doi.org/10.1177/1054773813477128">situational triggers</a> among residents with cognitive impairments. The strongest triggers involved personal space and possessions. Examples include taking or touching a resident’s belongings or food, or unwanted entries into their bedroom or bathroom. The most prevalent triggering event was someone being too close to a resident’s body.</p> <p>That study also found that crowded spaces and interpersonal stressors, such as two residents claiming the same dining room seat, could lead to these episodes. <a href="https://doi.org/10.1177/1471301213502588">My own work</a> and a different <a href="https://doi.org/10.1177%2F0733464820955089">Canadian study</a> came to similar conclusions.</p> <p>Other research shows that when residents are bored or lack <a href="https://doi.org/10.1177%2F153331750502000210">meaningful activity</a>, they become involved in <a href="https://doi.org/10.1177%2F1471301213502588">harmful interactions</a>. Evenings and weekends can be particularly dangerous, with fewer organized activities and fewer staff members and managers present. <a href="https://doi.org/10.1080/08946566.2018.1474515">Conflicts between roommates</a> are also common and harmful.</p> <p><img src="https://images.theconversation.com/files/438566/original/file-20211220-49721-z6ev8m.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&amp;q=45&amp;auto=format&amp;w=754&amp;fit=clip" alt="With a smiling staff member looking on, two nursing home residents enjoy conversation while having coffee." /> <span class="caption">Residents with dementia who are meaningfully engaged in activities are less likely to become involved in harmful incidents with other residents.</span> <span class="attribution"><a href="https://www.gettyimages.com/detail/photo/caretaker-with-senior-people-in-nursing-home-royalty-free-image/489582967?adppopup=true" class="source">Morsa Images/DigitalVision via Getty Images</a></span></p> <p>A growing body of research suggests that most incidents between residents are preventable. A major risk factor, for example, is lack of adequate supervision, which often occurs when staff are assigned to caring for too many residents with dementia. One U.S. study found that <a href="https://doi.org/10.7326/M15-1209">higher caseloads</a> among nurses’ aides were associated with higher incident rates.</p> <p>And with <a href="https://doi.org/10.4137/hsi.s38994">poor staffing levels</a> in up to half of U.S. nursing homes, <a href="https://doi.org/10.1080/08946566.2018.1474515">staff members do not witness</a> many incidents. In fact, one study found that staff members missed the majority of unwanted <a href="https://doi.org/10.1080/13607863.2016.1211620">bedroom entries</a> by residents with severe dementia.</p> <h2>Residents with dementia are not to blame</h2> <p>In most of these situations, the person with dementia does not intend to injure or kill another resident. Individuals with dementia live with a serious cognitive disability. And they often must do it while being forced to share small living spaces with many other residents.</p> <p>Their behavioral expressions are often attempts to cope with frustrating and frightening situations in their social and physical environments. They are typically the result of unmet human needs paired with cognitive processing limitations.</p> <p>Understanding the role of dementia is important. But seeing a resident’s brain disease as the main cause of incidents is inaccurate and unhelpful. That view ignores external factors that can lead to these incidents but are outside of the residents’ control.</p> <p>Frank’s wife, Theresa, didn’t blame the woman who injured her husband or the staff. She blamed the for-profit company operating the nursing home. Despite its revenue of $2 billion in the year before the incident, it failed in its “<a href="https://www.thestar.com/news/gta/2013/02/09/more_than_10000_canadians_abused_annually_by_fellow_nursing_home_residents.html">duty to protect</a>” Piccolo. “They did not keep my husband safe as they are required to do,” she said.<!-- Below is The Conversation's page counter tag. Please DO NOT REMOVE. --><img style="border: none !important; box-shadow: none !important; margin: 0 !important; max-height: 1px !important; max-width: 1px !important; min-height: 1px !important; min-width: 1px !important; opacity: 0 !important; outline: none !important; padding: 0 !important; text-shadow: none !important;" src="https://counter.theconversation.com/content/173750/count.gif?distributor=republish-lightbox-basic" alt="The Conversation" width="1" height="1" /><!-- End of code. If you don't see any code above, please get new code from the Advanced tab after you click the republish button. The page counter does not collect any personal data. More info: https://theconversation.com/republishing-guidelines --></p> <p><span><a href="https://theconversation.com/profiles/eilon-caspi-1298265">Eilon Caspi</a>, Assistant Research Professor of Health, Intervention, and Policy, <em><a href="https://theconversation.com/institutions/university-of-connecticut-1342">University of Connecticut</a></em></span></p> <p>This article is republished from <a href="https://theconversation.com">The Conversation</a> under a Creative Commons license. Read the <a href="https://theconversation.com/conflicts-between-nursing-home-residents-are-often-chalked-up-to-dementia-the-real-problem-is-inadequate-care-and-neglect-173750">original article</a>.</p> <p><em>Image: CasarsaGuru/E+ via Getty Images</em></p>

Retirement Life

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‘Drained and wary of the future’: why you might feel different about New Year’s resolutions this year

<p>At the beginning of each year, many people make vows to either do or not do something to improve their life in some way. The fresh start of a new year is magically equated with a fresh start to life and often imbued with renewed hope that <em>this</em> year things will be better.</p> <p>As we enter 2022, after two years of living with COVID-19, this hope may be stronger than usual.</p> <p>The pandemic’s impacts have ranged from deaths and other adverse effects on physical and mental health, to huge changes in employment, income, travel, leisure and the ability to socialise. The effect on individuals has varied considerably, depending on what their life was like beforehand, how much it has affected them personally, and their own resilience.</p> <p>Based on discussions with colleagues and patients, we may see resolutions driven by loss, guilt and anger, plus a rush on common types of self-improvement resolutions and a greater drive for overall life changes.</p> <p><strong>Resilience</strong></p> <p>How we respond to the shocks of the pandemic depends in part on our <a rel="noopener" href="https://www.tandfonline.com/doi/full/10.3402/ejpt.v5.25338" target="_blank">resilience</a>: the ability to adapt well in the face of adversity, trauma, tragedy, threats or significant sources of stress. It involves “bouncing back” from difficult experiences, and it can also involve personal growth.</p> <p>People who have lost loved ones to COVID may respond with New Year’s resolutions, but they may take positive or negative forms.</p> <p>Positive resolutions might be commitments to honour the deceased in some way, or to live well because your loved one cannot. A pact or vow made with or to a deceased loved one to “live life better” can be a powerful, positive motivator to change bad health habits such as smoking, excessive drinking or gambling, although professional help is advisable to ensure safe and lasting change.</p> <p>Negative resolutions, often driven by strong feelings of anger and despair, might be vows to seek revenge or punish those who may seem responsible for the death of their relative or friend.</p> <p>“Revenge resolutions” are not usually helpful adaptations and may spring from a sense of guilt arising from not being able to save their loved one or spend time with them.</p> <p>People who survived a COVID infection while a loved one did not, in particular, <a href="https://doi.apa.org/fulltext/2020-43452-001.html">often experience strong feelings of guilt</a>.</p> <p>Guilt-driven resolutions are driven by powerful emotions. They are likely to be realised in some form throughout the year, when hopefully the driving emotions become less intense by the following year.</p> <p><strong>Personal improvement</strong></p> <p>Since the virus has posed a major health risk, it would make sense for more people than ever to choose the New Year to resolve to improve their own health.</p> <p>Quitting smoking is a very common New Year’s resolution, and it seems even more sensible than usual amid a global pandemic of a virus that mainly attacks the respiratory system. However, as many people have found in the past, giving up cigarettes is very difficult and often requires significant planning and help to succeed.</p> <p><img src="https://images.theconversation.com/files/436539/original/file-20211209-19-167gm8e.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&amp;q=45&amp;auto=format&amp;w=754&amp;fit=clip" alt="" /> <em><span class="caption">Quitting smoking or other drugs is a very common New Year’s resolution. But while the pandemic may have increased the desire for change, it won’t necessarily make it any easier to achieve.</span> <span class="attribution"><span class="source">Shutterstock</span></span></em></p> <p>While the pandemic may have made the desire for change stronger, it does not magically make resolutions any easier to achieve. This applies similarly to resolutions to change the use of alcohol or other drugs, which would also benefit from planning and professional help.</p> <p>Weight loss is another favourite New Year’s resolution. The famous “COVID kilos” will no doubt drive more people than usual to resolve to lose weight in 2022.</p> <p>Crash diets are common, but are often abandoned by February. Careful eating and an exercise plan accompanying the resolution will make it more likely to succeed.</p> <p><strong>Bigger changes</strong></p> <p>While COVID is likely to give an extra edge to common resolutions, we are also likely to see a surge in resolutions for overall “lifestyle change”. Many people’s attitudes to work and family have changed dramatically over the past two years, due to travel restrictions, work or study from home, and little socialisation with those outside our immediate families.</p> <p>This hugely significant alteration in our way of life has caused many people to reconsider their futures.</p> <p>Many have found great enjoyment in spending time with family and are now rethinking their work–home balance. Discovering that working from home is possible has made many people reconsider their career options moving into 2022.</p> <p>Some <a rel="noopener" href="https://www.bloomberg.com/news/articles/2021-05-10/quit-your-job-how-to-resign-after-covid-pandemic" target="_blank">experts anticipate</a> a post-pandemic work exodus, dubbed the “great resignation”, in which millions of people, from frontline workers to senior executives, may resign from their jobs.</p> <p><img src="https://images.theconversation.com/files/436541/original/file-20211209-68670-gy08bg.jpg?ixlib=rb-1.1.0&amp;q=45&amp;auto=format&amp;w=754&amp;fit=clip" alt="" /> <em><span class="caption">As working from home has become more common, attitudes to work and family have shifted.</span> <span class="attribution"><span class="source">Shutterstock</span></span></em></p> <p>According to <a rel="noopener" href="https://www.microsoft.com/en-us/worklab/work-trend-index/hybrid-work" target="_blank">recent research</a> by Microsoft, more than 40% of the global workforce are considering leaving their employers. This trend is expected to be replicated in different industries in the USA, UK and Europe. In Australia, <a rel="noopener" href="https://theconversation.com/australias-great-resignation-is-a-myth-we-are-changing-jobs-less-than-ever-before-170784" target="_blank">this trend is not evident</a>, but nonetheless, a New Year’s resolution may be to determine a different type of employment for 2022 and beyond.</p> <p><strong>Two paths for 2022</strong></p> <p>COVID-19 has left most of us drained and wary of the future. Many people believed the pandemic would end in 2020, but 2021 brought more infection, lockdowns and restrictions.</p> <p>In times of trauma, when the future is uncertain, there can be a polarisation of behaviours. Some people adopt a “devil may care, live for now” attitude to life, with greater risk taking. Others take the opposite attitude, and exercise extreme caution and narrow their existence further.</p> <p>Both groups may well make New Year’s resolutions to fit their approach to life.<!-- Below is The Conversation's page counter tag. Please DO NOT REMOVE. --><img style="border: none !important; box-shadow: none !important; margin: 0 !important; max-height: 1px !important; max-width: 1px !important; min-height: 1px !important; min-width: 1px !important; opacity: 0 !important; outline: none !important; padding: 0 !important; text-shadow: none !important;" src="https://counter.theconversation.com/content/172305/count.gif?distributor=republish-lightbox-basic" alt="The Conversation" width="1" height="1" /><!-- End of code. If you don't see any code above, please get new code from the Advanced tab after you click the republish button. The page counter does not collect any personal data. More info: https://theconversation.com/republishing-guidelines --></p> <p><em><a rel="noopener" href="https://theconversation.com/profiles/jayashri-kulkarni-185" target="_blank">Jayashri Kulkarni</a>, Professor of Psychiatry, <a rel="noopener" href="https://theconversation.com/institutions/monash-university-1065" target="_blank">Monash University</a></em></p> <p><em>This article is republished from <a rel="noopener" href="https://theconversation.com" target="_blank">The Conversation</a> under a Creative Commons license. Read the <a rel="noopener" href="https://theconversation.com/drained-and-wary-of-the-future-why-you-might-feel-different-about-new-years-resolutions-this-year-172305" target="_blank">original article</a>.</em></p>

Mind

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Proud and resolute": Queen’s new statue design FINALLY revealed

<p>Royal fans have been given a first look at a statue of Queen Elizabeth that's currently under construction – and strictly under wraps.</p> <p>The statue is set to be uncovered just in time for Her Majesty’s Platinum Jubilee in 2022 and is being created by artist Richard Bossons, who is part of York Minster cathedral's masonry team.</p> <p>It will stand two metres tall and will weigh out to about two tonnes.</p> <p>Bossons admitted to the <em>BBC</em> that the sculpture had been challenging to design.</p> <p><img style="width: 500px; height: 281.25px;" src="https://oversixtydev.blob.core.windows.net/media/7843321/queen-statue-rare-photos-5.jpg" alt="" data-udi="umb://media/bce3f9bd79454d17bacca654fd4f9e51" /></p> <p><em>Image: Twitter @York_Minster</em></p> <p>"The statue needs to be part of the fabric, not a distraction from it, yet it also has to have the poise and presence befitting of the Queen's unique role," he said.</p> <p>"She will stand proud and resolute in her niche, welcoming worshippers and visitors alike," Bossons added.</p> <p>The statue will show the Queen dressed in Garter robes and the George IV State Diadem.</p> <p>She will also be holding an orb and sceptre, to symbolise her 70-year reign on the British throne.</p> <p>The Twitter York Minster took to Twitter to share more information on the design: "We're delighted to be able to share some images showing the on-going work behind the creation of the new statue of Her Majesty The Queen, set to be installed in summer '22.</p> <p><img style="width: 500px; height: 281.25px;" src="https://oversixtydev.blob.core.windows.net/media/7843320/queen-statue-rare-photos-4.jpg" alt="" data-udi="umb://media/67c5d35a2b1f4be9af2ddf767804f5cb" /></p> <p><em>Image: Twitter @York_Minster</em></p> <p>"Designer &amp; carver Richard Bossons showcasing his incredible skill."</p> <p>The 2022 Jubilee is set to take place from Thursday, June 2 to Sunday, June 5 in 2022.</p> <blockquote class="twitter-tweet"> <p dir="ltr">We’re delighted to be able to share some images showing the on-going work behind the creation of the new statue of Her Majesty The Queen, set to be installed in summer '22.<br /><br />Designer &amp; carver Richard Bossons showcasing his incredible skill 👏<br /><br />Read more &gt; <a href="https://t.co/E0Y8gaUNNj">https://t.co/E0Y8gaUNNj</a> <a href="https://t.co/hq5Dn4MQ4P">pic.twitter.com/hq5Dn4MQ4P</a></p> — York Minster (@York_Minster) <a href="https://twitter.com/York_Minster/status/1427954810381377541?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">August 18, 2021</a></blockquote> <p>"Throughout the year, Her Majesty and Members of the Royal Family will travel around the country to undertake a variety of engagements to mark this historic occasion culminating with the focal point of the Platinum Jubilee Weekend in June - one year from today," Buckingham Palace revealed.</p> <p>Trooping the Colour will take place on Thursday, June 2, instead of its usual Saturday date.</p>

Beauty & Style

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Witnesses divided in conflict after flight attendant brawl

<p>A brawl mid-flight left a flight attendant missing two teeth and a passenger in jail, but those who witnessed it said that the situation could've been handled with more tact.</p> <p>The fight, which occurred on a Southwest Airlines flight from Sacramento to San Diego, was over a passenger refusing to wear a face mask over their entire faces.</p> <p>Passenger Michelle Manner filmed the incident and spoke to NBC News about it.</p> <p>“They ended up in a screaming match,” Manner said.</p> <p>“It ended with the flight attendant saying that she was going to call the captain.”</p> <div class="embed-responsive embed-responsive-16by9"><iframe class="embed-responsive-item" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/VGQBYlwZ08Y"></iframe></div> <div class="body_text redactor-styles redactor-in"> <p>“The gal who punched the flight attendant had asked, had said, ‘Get off me,’ ‘get your hands off me,’ ‘quit leaning on me,’” Manner said.</p> <p>“The passenger was incorrect by hitting her, but she was also in my opinion, provoked,” Manner said.</p> <p>“She had made like three requests for her to back up and she didn’t.”</p> <p>Footage of the fight emerged after the passenger, Vyvianna Quinonez, was jailed.</p> <p>She is seen jumping from her seat and attacking the attendant and is facing a felony count of assault inflicting great bodily harm.</p> <p><em>Photo credits:<span> </span></em><a rel="noopener" href="https://7news.com.au/travel/flight-attendant-loses-teeth-in-fight-with-passenger-but-passengers-are-divided-as-to-who-is-in-the-wrong-c-2951631" target="_blank"><em>7NEWS</em></a></p> </div>

Travel Trouble

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Piers Morgan labels Prince Harry as a "spineless self-pitying twerp"

<div class="post_body_wrapper"> <div class="post_body"> <div class="body_text redactor-styles redactor-in"> <p>Piers Morgan has blasted Prince Harry after the Duke of Sussex said that the First Amendment is "bonkers".</p> <p>Prince Harry said in a podcast with actor Dax Shepard that he's "got so much I want to say about the First Amendment as I sort of understand it, but it is bonkers.</p> <p>“I don’t want to start going down the First Amendment route because that’s a huge subject and one which I don’t understand because I’ve only been here a short time.</p> <p>“But, you can find a loophole in anything. You can capitalise or exploit what’s not said rather than uphold what is said.”</p> <p>Morgan, 56, was furious with the royal, saying that Prince Harry was a "spineless whiny crybaby".</p> <p>“Harry’s gone from being a courageous war hero to a spineless whiny crybaby who blames his family for all his supposed woes and who like his wife, shamelessly and cynically weaponises issues like mental health and racism to silence critics.</p> <p>“Harry has lost his country, his dignity and now seems to be losing his mind too as he condemns everything from his grieving grandmother to free speech.</p> <p>“It’s time His Royal Hypocrite stopped abusing his family, stopped moaning about everything all the bloody time, stopped exploiting his royal titles for huge financial gain, stopped trashing America’s constitution – and grew a pair.”</p> <blockquote style="background: #FFF; border: 0; border-radius: 3px; box-shadow: 0 0 1px 0 rgba(0,0,0,0.5),0 1px 10px 0 rgba(0,0,0,0.15); margin: 1px; max-width: 540px; min-width: 326px; padding: 0; width: calc(100% - 2px);" class="instagram-media" data-instgrm-captioned="" data-instgrm-permalink="https://www.instagram.com/p/CO0ZB1Gptmw/?utm_source=ig_embed&amp;utm_campaign=loading" data-instgrm-version="13"> <div style="padding: 16px;"> <div style="display: flex; flex-direction: row; align-items: center;"> <div style="background-color: #f4f4f4; border-radius: 50%; flex-grow: 0; height: 40px; margin-right: 14px; width: 40px;"></div> <div style="display: flex; flex-direction: column; flex-grow: 1; justify-content: center;"> <div style="background-color: #f4f4f4; border-radius: 4px; flex-grow: 0; height: 14px; margin-bottom: 6px; width: 100px;"></div> <div style="background-color: #f4f4f4; border-radius: 4px; flex-grow: 0; height: 14px; width: 60px;"></div> </div> </div> <div style="padding: 19% 0;"></div> <div style="display: block; height: 50px; margin: 0 auto 12px; width: 50px;"></div> <div style="padding-top: 8px;"> <div style="color: #3897f0; font-family: Arial,sans-serif; font-size: 14px; font-style: normal; font-weight: 550; line-height: 18px;">View this post on Instagram</div> </div> <p style="color: #c9c8cd; font-family: Arial,sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 17px; margin-bottom: 0; margin-top: 8px; overflow: hidden; padding: 8px 0 7px; text-align: center; text-overflow: ellipsis; white-space: nowrap;"><a style="color: #c9c8cd; font-family: Arial,sans-serif; font-size: 14px; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; line-height: 17px; text-decoration: none;" rel="noopener" href="https://www.instagram.com/p/CO0ZB1Gptmw/?utm_source=ig_embed&amp;utm_campaign=loading" target="_blank">A post shared by Armchair Expert Podcast (@armchairexppod)</a></p> </div> </blockquote> <p>Prince Harry also angered royal fans with his comments about the royal family as he said that he felt like he had to leave.</p> <p>Harry continued: “Look what it did to my mum. How am I ever going to settle down and have a wife and a family when I know that it’s going to happen again because I’ve seen behind the curtain?</p> <p>"I’ve seen the business model, I know how this operation runs, how it works. I don’t want to be part of this. Then once I started doing therapy the bubble was burst. I plucked my head out of the sand. I said, ‘You are in this position of privilege.</p> <p>"Stop complaining, stop thinking as though you want something different. Make this different, because you can’t get out. So how are you going to do this differently? How are you going to make your mum proud? How are you going to use this platform to really effect change’?”</p> </div> </div> </div>

News

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How to fix a broken relationship: 8 expert tips

<h2>How to fix your relationship: Go to a therapist</h2> <p><span style="font-weight: 400;">Well, of course, the pros would say that. But hear out their reasons: “First of all, we are trained in working with couples, watching their dynamic, being able to figure out their unique dance, and mirror it back to them in a way that they might not be able to do themselves,” Sussman says.</span></p> <p><span style="font-weight: 400;">Therapists are also objective, in a way that family members or friends aren’t, says Louis. “Sometimes we don’t even know that we’re communicating in an ineffective way. And so that’s why it’s important to have an objective third party to really walk you through some of the patterns that you might be stuck in,” she says.</span></p> <p><span style="font-weight: 400;">Plus, they can use science-backed data and evidence to convince you why what you’re doing (like nagging) isn’t effective, Sussman notes.</span></p> <h2>Or try DIY therapy</h2> <p><span style="font-weight: 400;">Yes, changing the way you interact with your partner can be tough to do on your own, but it’s not impossible, says McManus. And plenty of well-known couples therapists have resources to help guide you, including websites, books, podcasts, Ted Talks and YouTube channels. Among the therapists McManus suggests checking out: John and Julie Gottman, Esther Perel, and Ellyn Bader and Pete Pearson at The Couples Institute. “They are all fantastic resources for anyone interested in learning how to improve their relationship,” she says.</span></p> <p><a href="https://www.readersdigest.com.au/true-stories-lifestyle/relationships/marriage-tips-from-grandmas-youd-be-a-fool-not-to-follow"><span style="font-weight: 400;">You’d also be a fool not to follow these marriage tips from grandmas.</span></a></p> <h2>Learn how to ask for things</h2> <p><span style="font-weight: 400;">Instead of attacking your partner for never washing the dishes, take a different approach. “I give this example to my couples – when X happens, I feel Y. I would like Z,” says Louis. So, for example, you’d say, “When I come into the house and the dishes are everywhere I start to feel overwhelmed. So maybe we can take turns: I wash the dishes one day, you wash the dishes another day. That will make me feel really supported.”</span></p> <p><span style="font-weight: 400;">It works because your partner feels less defensive if you avoid using words like “always” and “never” and “you” statements. Instead, focus on your emotions, as well as what Louis calls a “recipe for success.” “So instead of just leaving it with a criticism, sharing what can their partner do for things to start to feel more balanced,” she explains.</span></p> <h2>Know how to fight fairly</h2> <p><span style="font-weight: 400;">Does this sound familiar? In the heat of the moment, you want to talk the issue out until it’s resolved but your partner can’t deal and withdraws. That’s pretty common actually, says Louis. It could be that your partner’s emotions are running too high to deal with right now.</span></p> <p><span style="font-weight: 400;">Louis advises the following strategies instead.</span></p> <h2>Find some self-soothing coping strategies</h2> <p><span style="font-weight: 400;">A self-soothing coping strategy to fall back on can be beneficial when you get overwhelmed. “It could include meditation, going for a walk, or taking a hot bath, but it’s really important that couples have their own strategies on what they do to make themselves feel better, especially when a conflict arises,” Louis explains.</span></p> <h2>Don’t beat a hasty retreat</h2> <p><span style="font-weight: 400;">Instead say, “Let’s take a break and then in 20 minutes, we can come back and talk this through when I’m feeling calm again. Because right now, I’m struggling with staying emotionally present.” It’s crucial that you set a time when you’ll be back to resolve the conflict, says Louis. If one “person just walks away, then the other person is going to feel abandoned.”</span></p> <p><a href="https://www.readersdigest.com.au/healthsmart/communication-fixes-that-will-save-your-relationship"><span style="font-weight: 400;">Here are more communication fixes that could save your relationship. </span></a></p> <h2>Set a reasonable time-out</h2> <p><span style="font-weight: 400;">If you can’t calm down in 20 minutes, then you can extend it for up to two hours, advises Louis. But don’t let that break stretch out an entire day, she says. “At that point, resentment and bitterness can start to come in where they’ve made up an entire story from their own perspective and not really got a chance to hear things from their partner’s perspective.”</span></p> <p><span style="font-weight: 400;">Here’s another important point, says Louis: If you initiated the break, you set the time to reconvene. That way, your better half won’t follow you around the house asking you when it’s time to talk. Now that you’ve got these steps down, here are other ways to have more productive arguments.</span></p> <h2>Start dating again</h2> <p><span style="font-weight: 400;">Louis recommends you spend quality one-on-one time at least once a week, preferably for two hours. No, you don’t have to go out to dinner or do anything fancy. Light candles and put on some tunes, play a board game or cards, or give each other a massage.</span></p> <p><span style="font-weight: 400;">The key: Spend a couple of hours of uninterrupted time, she says. “Nobody’s on their phone, nobody’s on their computer, but you’re just knee to knee, eye to eye, really engaging each other.”</span></p> <p><span style="font-weight: 400;">It’s a good way to avoid monotony – spending evenings in front of the TV, tending to the kids, or doing chores. “Especially couples who’ve been together for a while – they can get stuck into a routine,” says Louis. “So I teach them how to be intentional about bringing creativity into their marriage.”</span></p> <p><em><span style="font-weight: 400;">Written by Linda Rogers. This article first appeared in <a href="https://www.readersdigest.co.nz/true-stories-lifestyle/relationships/how-to-fix-a-broken-relationship-8-expert-tips?pages=1">Reader’s Digest</a>. Find more of what you love from the world’s best-loved magazine, <a href="https://readersdigest.innovations.co.nz/c/readersdigestemailsubscribe?utm_source=over60&amp;utm_medium=articles&amp;utm_campaign=RDSUB&amp;keycode=WRA93V">here’s our best subscription offer</a>.</span></em></p>

Relationships

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4 signs of a broken relationship

<p><span style="font-weight: 400;">You might think a broken relationship is what happens when one partner cheats, is a serial spendthrift, or has a serious drug problem. But you’d be wrong, say experts. Those issues tend to be symptoms.</span></p> <p><span style="font-weight: 400;">In a broken relationship, “you don’t get along more than you do get along, and your overall satisfaction with the relationship is mostly low, below 50 percent,” says Rachel Sussman, a licensed clinical social worker, psychotherapist, relationship expert, and the author of </span><span style="font-weight: 400;">The Breakup Bible: The Women’s Guide to Healing from a Breakup or Divorce</span><span style="font-weight: 400;">. “That goes on and on for a long time.”</span></p> <p><span style="font-weight: 400;">It can also be different for everyone. Sussman says she’s seen couples bounce back from infidelity with a stronger bond. The same is true for someone with a drug or alcohol problem (though that can be trickier).</span></p> <p><span style="font-weight: 400;">But for the most part, it’s rarely one thing that torpedoes a relationship. “It’s usually a variety of issues that go on for a long time, where you lose hope,” she says.</span></p> <p><span style="font-weight: 400;">That said, relationships on the verge of collapse usually have some tell-tale signs. And while many relationships are salvageable, some aren’t – and yes, therapists can pretty much tell both things from the get-go.</span></p> <p><span style="font-weight: 400;">Here is everything you need to know about a relationship that needs repair, including how to go about it.</span></p> <h2>Signs of a broken relationship</h2> <p><span style="font-weight: 400;">Therapists don’t always use the term “broken” to describe a relationship in need of repair. Instead, they use “dysfunctional relationship dynamics,” says Amy McManus, a licensed marriage and family therapist.</span></p> <p><span style="font-weight: 400;">“A dysfunctional relationship dynamic is a way that a couple has of communicating and relating that isn’t working to create an emotionally safe and supportive connection,” she says. “It’s often easy to see. One or both partners is unhappy, angry and frustrated. Usually, both partners feel like the other one doesn’t hear or understand them.”</span></p> <p><span style="font-weight: 400;">So what clues a couples’ counsellor into the fact that your dynamic no longer seems to be working?</span></p> <h2>1. You’re not talking to one another</h2> <p><span style="font-weight: 400;">“Communication is the number one issue,” says Laura Louis, a psychologist and couples therapist. “Sometimes it’s a feeling of, ‘Did you hear what I said? Or does what I say even matter? Or do I matter?’” When it gets to the point where you’re not feeling heard, understood, or validated, disconnection can take place, says Louis.</span></p> <h2>2. You’re disconnected from each other</h2> <p><span style="font-weight: 400;">This can take several different forms. Take, for instance, couples with children. If your kids are the centre of your marriage, your conversation may revolve around all the chores that come with raising kids, says Louis. “Things like, ‘Okay, would you pick up Billy? Or when are we taking Ashley to ballet practice?’ And that furthers the disconnection.”</span></p> <p><span style="font-weight: 400;">Other worrying symptoms: “Sleeping in separate bedrooms, when a couple stops having sex (see these ways to overcome the obstacles to a healthy sex life), when they don’t want to spend time together, and when they’re finding other things to fill the space that their partner might have filled at one point,” adds Louis.</span></p> <h2>3. One of you has shut down</h2> <p><span style="font-weight: 400;">This is what Louis calls stonewalling, and it can happen when one partner gets overwhelmed by emotions or doesn’t think the other person cares enough to listen. “Someone can shut down emotionally and still come home every night. But when you ask how they’re doing, you get one-word answers,” she explains. “But sometimes I see an actual physical withdrawal where one person literally just walks away, walks out of the room, or leaves the house when their partner wants to talk about something.”</span></p> <p><em><span style="font-weight: 400;">Written by Linda Rogers. This article first appeared in <a href="https://www.readersdigest.co.nz/true-stories-lifestyle/relationships/how-to-fix-a-broken-relationship-8-expert-tips?pages=1">Reader’s Digest</a>. Find more of what you love from the world’s best-loved magazine, <a href="https://readersdigest.innovations.co.nz/c/readersdigestemailsubscribe?utm_source=over60&amp;utm_medium=articles&amp;utm_campaign=RDSUB&amp;keycode=WRA93V">here’s our best subscription offer</a>.</span></em></p>

Relationships